Look After You

want to die. Like jump into the train tracks or lay on the street type of die. I feel worthless and I have no one to talk to about it. Maybe, just maybe I’ll do it, I kinda want to see what it’s like. It’s hopeless for me anyway. Most people think I’m bright and have a future but, I think that’s bull shit because I know very well how to sabotage myself. I can’t deal with anything. I wish I had somebody to talk to but no one even actually gives a fuck. I’m not comfortable in this world, not because I don’t fit in or can’t assimilate but it’s just not a place I like to occupy. I doubt people will care for too long. They’ll probably give like an obligatory mourning day and forget that anything ever happened. 

I want to drown maybe. I always loved the water, then they don’t even need t have a funeral my body would probably be washed away somewhere to be fish food. I wonder what I would taste like. I figure that being fish food serves a better purpose than the nothing I do in the status quo anyway.You’re probably reading this thinking that I’m “brooding” or “angsting” you never took my emotions seriously anyway, so it doesn’t even matter. You’re probably gonna go boo hoo and be upset if I die, then you’ll get over it, you’ve replaced  me with other shit anyway. It’s whatever. You’ll get over it. Don’t get me wrong I love you and believe that you love me, but that onlly goes so far. So, do you.

I wake up and I’m angry. I breathe and I’m angry. I sleep and I’m angry. I fall into deep spirals of despair that make me frustrated and then angry. Though, that doesn’t really matter all too much. It seems as if I’m just traveling circles of anger. There’s something in me that’s fighting other parts of me and I’m always at civil war.

It’s too close for comfort and I like keeping things at arms length because things leave and go away. Well, they used to but lately, thinking about it, it seems that I leave and go away. I think it’s the same defense mechanism.

There’s a reason why I don’t keep many people, or any people around and close at hand for very long. That’s because eventually all people become absences, voids in space. I don’t like people around because I don’t like missing people. Though, I’m constantly doing that. I miss myself to some degree, though, it seems clearer and clearer everyday that I don’t know what that means. Strip me of my political dogma and there is nothing left of me. Strip me of the books and there is nothing left of me because I do not understand life, those who live it and those who seek it. I sit idly by and watch people live their’s from the comfort of my second floor apartment. Though, that’s for a different post. I don’t like missing people, because I feel like I am always missing a part of myself. That’s why for me distance has always been important, because the only way I can understand to deal with physical distance is through emotional distance. I am always miles and miles away and that’s okay.

Though, it gets heavy sometimes because I am not always successful at keeping people at a distance. So I carry heavy burdens upon my chest wishing for something to be clear wishing for something to fill it. Because I am not whole, I have never been whole, there are so many pieces of me left in places and to people who’s names and faces I cannot even remember. I carry the burden of missing myself, or who I used to be. So if you find someone wondering around somewhere looking scared and confused, it’s probably me.